ok I decided to post something positive first because I realized I was being kind of brutal, but its brutal love ok?

You have no problem coming up with melodies that work well together and the vocal is pretty cool 
I like the idea as a whole, it just could use a lot of work.

The quick rolling notes get really repetitive fast dude.  When the notes go higher every 8 bars, it should be doing that every 16 bars, because that gets repetitive really fast as well.  The notes you chose are fine though, I wont analyze it because I would choose different ones but these notes work just fine. 

The bass is too loud and the kick basically has no presence at all, figure out the best kick/bass relationship you want in the EQ so they can both have their own space without diminishing their presence.  Actually go ahead and try to separate and EQ all of your sounds a little better, push yourself I know you can do it 

The piano melody needs to be scrapped for a better one. A memorable one.  This one has awkward rhythm and is just blah. So really work on that the most honestly.

2:44-3:18 this can be a much better transition, it goes into a much different vibe.

Anyways thats all I've got for ya